Archive for May, 2012

Week 6 Roundup: Arsenal Blow It Up

May 14, 2012

The standings after six weeks:

Josh Hamilton (.402/18/44/2) ripped nine homers with 18 RBI in Week 6 to lead Arsenal to an 11.5 point gain in Week 6 and the BEML lead… the Ancient Maroners posted a horrific 5.36 ERA after back-to-back sub 2.00 ERA weeks and fell five points into second place. Ace Jered Weaver was pounded into a viscous paste with a 8.68 ERA… the Fish are still in the mix, 6.5 points back, and led the league in ERA (2.60) and Ks (64) this week. Carlos Beltran has boosted the Cudas with 13 HRs already… Snowmen welcomed Cliff Lee back to the Igloo this week, and should have Chris Young back soon as well. The Freeze have remained poised in their absence and remain in good position to contend moving forward…

In the back end of the BEML standings, the Dirty Dogs lost some momentum (-5) in Week 6, hitting only .220. Adam Wainwright has struggled in his return from surgery (6.16 ERA) but has struck out over a batter per inning… the George Kents hit a phenomenal .329 in Week 6 as both Melky Cabrera (13-for-26) and Nelson Cruz (14-for-28) both hit .500… the Craydawgs stood pat this week, you know, biding their sweet time. Albert Pujols is just 6-for-30 (.200) since his arrival by trade from Arsenal, but he did clear the fences for the first time in 2012… Adding insult to injury, the Bears lost five more points and fell even deeper into last place this week, with league-low marks in HR (6), Runs (31) and RBI (28). Where would they be without Andrew McCutcheon (.524/3/6/1 in Week 6)? (Answer: even further in last)…

The Bears’ mascot didn’t let last place stop the dance.


Arsenal Plus Craydawgs = Blockbuster

May 6, 2012

Two proud franchises with ten championships between them decided they had had enough of their respective early season struggles and rocked the BEML to its core yesterday. The Craydawgs, suddenly flush with six closers at hand, dealt two of them–David Robertson and Jim Johnson–together with slugger Mark Teixeira, to Arsenal in return for the inimitable Albert Pujols, catcher Ryan Doumit and Johnny Cueto.

Arsenal were able to fill their void at closer–with a possibly dominant one in Robertson, for the league minimum salary. The Dawgs were able to deal from a surplus of relievers to bolster their starting rotation (with Luebke possibly out for the season) with Cueto and upgrade their offense with Pujols and Doumit.

The Craydawgs’ owner welcomes Albert back to the Craydawg family.

Maroners Sail Into First Place, Lose Sandoval

May 4, 2012

CHERRY HILL — On the strength of Jered Weaver’s no-hitter, the Ancient Maroners anchored themselves in first place last night by a half point over the Fish. The Maroners’ celebration was tempered, however, by the loss of Big Panda (.316/5/15) to a broken hand. The Old Salts are able to lean on the talented Michael Young at third base in Sandoval’s absence.

This old salt’s favorite team just docked itself in first place. Avast ye!

The Fish were stunned to lose future BEML Hall-of-Famer Mariano Rivera to a torn ACL and now find themselves with just Brett Myers and the shaky Javy Guerra at closer.

Dawgs Lose Longoria

May 3, 2012

HIGHLAND PARK — The Craydawgs have been hammered by injury news this week, losing slugger Evan Longoria for several weeks to a hamstring tear, and pitcher Cory Luebke to elbow woes. The Dawgs picked up free agent Cubano and colorfully names Yoenis Cespedes to help shore up the offense, but Longoria is irreplaceable at the hot corner.

The Craydawgs picked up Yoenis Cespedes

…no relation, of course, to The Human Centipede or “Ron Darling Human Centipede Day™” (, which is an event proprietary to the Dirty Dogs.

The George Kents have picked up Fernando Rodney to close out games, replacing the erratic Carlos Marmol; the GKs beat out the Barracudas’ waivers claim on BEML stalwart Rodney… Arsenal picked up Henry Rodriguez to replace Jordan Walden at closer… continuing the run on stoppers, Dirty Dogs tapped Santiago Casilla to close, replacing the injured Brian Wilson.

The Bears signed free agent Nolan Reimold and will give the outfielder a new chance to stick in the BEML; this on the heels of summarily suspending Delmon Young, who was recently charged with a hate crime by NYC police for allegedly making anti-semitic comments. According to a statement issued by Grizz ownership, “No Jew hater can be part of the Bears.”

As we go to press the Barracudas are trying to hold off upstart Maroners, while the Snowmen have suddenly fallen 10 points off the pace. This shiz is real.